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- smile though your heart is aching -
i actually managed this much of a smile today...
< straight from my journal >
"Somewhere in between falling and never falling again"
He was hot. And my giddiness from having him invite me to dance & then from being introduced to him & then having him mess up my hair & then take my blanket when it came time for all of us to sleep was soon surpassed by my giddiness when the lights went out & everyone was asleep & then my face was so close to his, it was only natural that we make out.
I don’t know when this became the story of my love life.
I used to be the girl who fell for the boy who made the butterflies dance in my stomach. And when I fell for this boy, I would fall so hard; the butterflies migrated to my heart, stopped over at my brain & then destroyed all of my senses. I no longer saw other guys. Their charming words no longer penetrated my auditory system. I could only detect his smell. I only felt his hands & his skin. I only tasted his lips.
But now, the butterflies never last long enough to destroy me. My love life consists of fleeting moments of giddiness. I used to dive headfirst into self-doubt when a guy failed to call me, now I am barely affected by a guy who fails to get my phone number & if he calls, I no longer spend the entire day wearing a goofy smile. And it’s sad because I don’t know when I became like this.
I don’t know when looking good was enough to give a guy the licence to get into my pants. I don’t know when simply looking good was enough. I don’t know when I jumped from one extreme to another; from hopeless romantic to detached & hardhearted; from weak to even weaker.
He was hot. And the next day when he curled up near me & we tried to figure out what time we fell asleep & then he messed up my hair again, a smile crept up to my face & then quickly faded because I knew, moments like this would never happen again. Not with him anyway.
And I don’t know when this became the story of my love life. |
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